Reasons You May Need a Doula, but Didn't Realize #2 and #3
Becoming a new parent (whether it’s your first time, or tenth time) is a very exciting time. It’s generally a time filled with joy, anticipation, and excitement. It’s a time of hope and possiblities. But one thing that no one hopes for is that their child(ren) is complications, specifically NICU stays and/ or miscarriage/ infant loss.
As I shared in my blog post Reason #2: Osiel my second pregnancy was extremely difficult and resulted in the death of my infant son. After having had the ideal pregnancy with my oldest, we never anticipated that it would be so difficult in the future. We were completely caught off guard. Our family is unique in one way. During this time, my husband was doing seasonal work. By the time our son was born he wasn’t working for the season. This allowed us to go through the entire experience together. My husband, my son, and I went to the NICU everyday, as a family. I know this is abnormal, because we were told almost daily, how amazing we were as a family. As soon as visiting hours opened, we were there. Then we’d leave during the quiet hours, when we weren’t allowed to be there. Then we came right back until the evening. Every day, for 45 days.
The NICU our son was in was a large room with dozens of incubators. There were so many tiny babies in that room. And there were so many tiny babies that rarely received visits. And some that never received visits. It was heartbreaking.
The reality of NICU parents is that even though your child is in the hospital, your life, and your partner’s life, and the lives of any other children you have, must go on. So that means, one or both parents still need to work. If it’s flu season your smaller children may not be allowed to visit the new baby, which means now you have to have childcare. This means that there’s additional stress on the family. As a result, an estimated 97% of NICU parents split up. Because the stress of having a child whole’s life is dangling on a thread, and then a partner who may not be able to support your needs while you process (either partner) simply because of the demands of daily life, not to mention the bills, is extremely overwhelming. Our son had numerous surgeries during his 6.5 weeks of life. Was transported to a number of hospitals. The bills would have been astronomical had we not had the blessing to give birth where we did. Because we lucked out that we happened to be at a hospital where a family had created a grant for those that had babies under 1.5lbs. We ended up not having to pay a dime for our ordeal. When you have all these things conspiring against you it’s nearly impossible to navigate this foreign situation. THEN you add in the new experience of actually being in the NICU (the sounds of hospitals is still triggering, six years later.) That’s a whole other level of stress.
The outcome of all this for us was death. Every aspiring parent's worst nightmare. When you experience ALL the aforementioned stress, only for it to end in disaster, it’s devastating. I honestly did not think I’d make it through the other side. But I’m so grateful I did, because it set me on my current path.
As a mother and doula, it’s important to me that families achieve as much peace as possible no matter what the circumstance. I believe if you have a good support system you can overcome anything that life will throw your way. My goal as a doula is that I can help you navigate all these horrible circumstances, grieve, and find peace on the other side. Many don’t know that an experienced birthworker can provide guidance and support on situations besides just labor and delivery. There are many that can support you through the difficult parts too. There are even doulas that specialize specifically in death (of loved ones, not just NICU, miscarriage, etc.).
It’s important that we learn how to seek help when we feel overwhelmed and scared. It allows us to feel human, but also to feel normal, but most importantly capable.