Centering Mothers*

*This actually applies to all parents. Just let me get there. But for the purposes of this post, because of the reason that sparked this post, mother/ motherhood will be the language used most.

I’m currently taking this class with Joy Tabernacle, it’s called Free Mama. The purpose of the class is for BIPOC mothers to find ways to reconnect with themselves and (re)learn how to be complete whole women outside of motherhood/ partnerships. A couple weeks ago we were discussing how we define motherhood, and being good mothers. During the discussion Joy shared this thought, “The mother should be the center of motherhood.”

Y’all. When I tell you that that little sentence hit me so hard. LISTEN. I had a dream where the phrase was repeated over and over.

So let me explain the context of this quote. Often times, as we know, mothers are expected to be these selfless, robots that their entire lives revolve around their children. We’re supposed to plan activities, make healthy food, plan home education, survive a pandemic, play games, be happy, loving, supportive, never sad or tired, mother through being sick, tired, angry, or hurt, ignore lack of support from partners, family, friends OR the lack there of, snapback as soon as they get that baby out, retain their sexuality, not be overtly sexual because what will their kids think, and, and, and. Mothers are expected to give and give and give and give. The demands of motherhood are endless, and somehow we’re supposed to always center our children and always be perky.

But here’s the thing… That’s not how it’s supposed to be. As we discussed what we felt made good mothers, Joy reminded us that we have to decolonize our views on what good means. That we have to stop holding ourselves up to standards that don’t feel supportive or sustainable. Growing up, my own mother always told me to make sure that I’m a whole person even once I had kids, because one day the kids will leave the house. This is why I don’t use my children as an excuse to not do things. I find ways to make sure I am able to do the things I want/ need and ensure that my children are taken care of. I am lucky in that I have a partner who is truly an equal partner. Who’s worked to undo his own toxic masculinity, and undo the parts of his ideals around fatherhood that weren’t appropriate for our marriage.

There is a reason why it’s a called MOTHERhood. It’s the change of experience, of title, and it’s about the way a mother experiences parenthood. The child should be the center of CHILDhood. Which is how a child experiences growing up. The father should be the center of FATHERhood. Which is how a father experiences parenthood. And the parent should be the center of PARENThood. Because it’s how parents, mother, father, nonbinary, etc., experience life as a parent. We discussed how motherhood shouldn’t make us feel bad. And as mothers we should be doing the things that make us feel good and happy in our parenting. I’ll give an example from my own experience.

I explained that for me I don’t like scheduling my children’s days and lives down to the minute. If there are activities to be done, it’s because either they are necessary (chores, school work, etc.) or they are desired (sports, clubs, etc.). I don’t enjoy running myself ragged to run them around to a bunch of activitites that they don’t have an interest in and they don’t enjoy. For me I rather take my children to the garden, or teach them the skills of their parents (my textiles, herbalism, birth work and my husband’s woodworking and metalsmithing). I explained that I receive so much joy when my children are outside and just enjoying nature.

One time when we had newly moved to Philly, and our son was about 4, we were at the park. He was laying on the ground and looking upwards. Then one by one, the other kids at the park started laying all around him on the ground and started looking up. Eventually one of the other children asked, “What are we looking at?” to which my son said, “I’m looking at the trees.” That is one of the best accomplishments of my parenthood. My, then, four year old was able to center and calm himself enough to simply lay and enjoy nature in the middle of a major city.

I love watching my children interact with the garden. The pride on my eldest’s face when he’s at his garden plot and sees the new growth and is harvesting the fruits of his labor. I love watching my toddler cover herself in dirt and “help” me harvest flowers for medicine. These are important moments for me.

The problem with centering our children in motherhood is that we often leave ourselves completely depleted in the pursuit of providing them appropriate guidance. But what effect does that have on our children? To see us doing things we don’t want to do? To see us frustrated because we’re trying to force them to do things that they don’t want to do. To be forced to do things because we’re so worried about being labeled as bad mothers? So many children grow up to become adults who have issues with their parents, becuase of the child centered motherhood they experienced. But when the mother centers herself in her own experience (or the parent in their parenthood) that means they will begin to do things with joy. The activities become fun and pleasant, because the mother is at ease and happy and actually wants to do them. The mother is rested and therefore has more patience and kindness to share, creating more conscious parenting.

This is not to be confused with selfish parenting. Meaning doing whatever you want at the expense of the child. This is about assuring that your own needs, as the mother, are met. This is about assuring that the mother is allowed to be a whole person. (This requires support from partners and community by the way.)

I really love cooking, obviously. But I hate cooking in a messy kitchen. So the rule is that if I cook, then my husband does the dishes (and vice versa), and my eldest puts the dishes away. And if this doesn’t happen, then I don’t cook. This is one of the ways I center myself. Because I am NOT going to do the cooking, and the cleaning, as if I am a maid. The rule has been spoken, and understood. And guess what, it’s no longer a discussion. And guess what else, I don’t have to be stressed when I cook, which means that stress doesn’t leak out onto my family. It’s a proven fact that mothers carry the weight of the household. The physical tasks. The emotional tasks. Everything falls on the mother to manage and organize and lead. This is not sustainable. This is why so many women, and nonbinary AFAB parents, are stressed, and depressed. This is why so many struggle with mothering. Parenting is so hard, and impossible to prepare for, but it’s so much harder when you’re drained and depleted.

We need to reframe how we think about parenting, specifically about motherhood. And also, reframe the discussion of self care. Self care isn’t just bubble baths and mimosas. It’s about learning how to care for yourself. Recognizing your needs. Recognizing and unpacking your triggers. Recognizing your joy and pleasure. Recognizing your peace. And making appropriate changes so that you can feel and be a complete whole person.

Taking this class came at a time in my life when I’d already begun the journey of reclaiming myself. I’ve spent the last several years in crisis and turmoil and centering everyone else, because I had to, that I’m exhausted. It’s been a beacon of light and confirmation for me. Helping me to tap into myself and remember all the things I love about myself. I’m coming into my full power, and I’m so grateful for the space that has been provided to build community, and to remember that I, the mother, and supposed to be centered in motherhood.