Reason #2: Osiel

Reason #2 is our angel baby, Osiel. This was a very complicated situation. I hadn’t received the prenatal care I normally would, but it would not have changed the outcome.

During this pregnancy I developed VERY severe preeclampsia. It was unexpected, and I really shouldn’t have had it, but because of the circumstances of the pregnancy, it was what it was. Osiel was born at 26 weeks, but was about the size and development of a 24 week fetus. But by the time he was born the choice was save me or both of us die. I spent 9 days in the hospital as we fought to prolong delivery, but it couldn’t be delayed any longer as my organs were shutting down one by one. Delivery was the only way to protect me, and try to save the baby. So he was delivered via emergency c-section. (A doula could have aided in explaining the process of going through a c-section. Also, what I was experiencing with the preeclampsia, etc.)

We went to the hospital every day as a family, my husband, Ernesto, and myself. We read to him, and held him through the glass (I only got to hold him twice, and the boys once each on the day we let him go). I think that’s what held us together as a unit, the fact that we were able to all be there together every day.

For about 6.5 weeks he fought valiently, and endured too many surgeries. Eventually his little body just couldn’t hold out any longer. But I receive comfort in knowing that we had 45 days with him, that NO ONE thought we’d get. Every day the doctors and NICU nurses were amazed at his resilience. Telling us over and over that they had never seen anything like him.

In the end his kidneys failed and they weren’t able to fix it any more. His little body was so swollen and he was in so much pain. We were given an option to try to hold out (which would inevitably have traumatized us more) or allow him to go now, and not suffer. We chose the latter. (There are doulas that are also able to support through grief and death. We didn’t have one, but the hospital did allow us to make some keepsakes before he passed)

While we were fighting for little Osiel I had taken up the task of pumping in order to be prepared for him to come home. Also, they used my milk to tube feed him while he was in the NICU. Mostly he wasn’t able to have it though. It took a few days for the milk to come in, but when it came it, it came in. Another surprise for the hospital staff. They couldn’t believe how much milk I produced. After his passing we were left with nearly 13 gallons of milk. I did look into donation, but I was on medications and I was unable to donate it. (BUT Ernesto had a rash, so made him take a bath in it. The rash cleared right up. LOL) (A doula can aid in lactation support, but not to the same extent as a lactation specialist.)

**Note: My ability to produce so much milk during this ordeal encouraged a friend of mine to reach out when she delivered a preemie a year later. Because of my experience I was able to help her breastfeed her own preemie baby. This was one of the clues I didn’t pick up on until later that becoming a doula would be part of my path.

Because this is such a heavy post, which I kept lighter by not divulging all the details of the experience, I wanted to end with my absolute favorite image of our little angel baby.